Turned on the telly. On BBC1 was "I'm so lonely". On ITV was "You'll never be famous". Thought of cranes, pylons, dams, volcanoes, locusts, lightning, helicopters, Hiroshima, show homes and ringroads.

Read that for men under 34 the biggest killer is car accidents. Second is suicides. Spent a while wondering what third was. Hit my head against the wall a few times.

Something without a name has been eating at my thoughts for a while. Standing in the checkout queue at the supermarket I feel violent, or bored, or hopeless, or depressed, or pointless, or just sick inside. Need only to see a headline of someone else's newspaper to feel frightened, or frustrated, or alienated, or helpless, or doomed, or just suicidal. Waking up was a battle with my limbs; stodgy, unreliable, wayward, hurting.

Woke up. Found I'd forgotten how to tie my shoelaces. Basic cognitive functions then failed with increasing rapidity until all I could do was sit in a chair staring at the wall. Tried to phone for help but my arm wouldn't move. Eventually